Sitting Shiva- 7 Day Mourning in Hebrew

The process of sitting shiva is a sacred and traditional Jewish mourning practice that provides structure and support for those who have experienced the loss of a close family member. Shiva, which means "seven" in Hebrew, refers to the seven-day mourning period following the funeral.

During this time, immediate family members (spouse, children, siblings, parents) of the deceased come together to mourn , receive comfort, and honor the memory of the loved one.

This is a general outline of sitting shiva.

Initiation- Shiva commences after the burial of the deceased. The mourners return home or gather at a designated location where the shiva will take place. It is customary to begin shiva as soon as possible after the funeral.

Seclusion- While in shiva, mourners typically remain at home or at a designated shiva house. The purpose of seclusion is to provide an environment where mourners can focus solely on their fried and receive the support of family, friends, and community members who come to visit.

Kriah (Tearing)- As a sign of mourning, immediate family members (parents, children, spouse) traidtionally tear a garment, usually a piece of clothing worn over the heart. This act symbolizes the pain of loss. In some cases, a black ribbon may be worn instead of tearing clothing.

Sheloshim- The first three days of shiva are considered the most intense period of mourning. During this time, mourners refrain from work and other usual activities. It is common to spend these days immersed in prayer, study, and reflecting on the life of the deceased.

Socializing- Friends, family, and community members traditionally visit those sitting shiva to offer condolences and support. Visitors enter the shiva house, typically sit silently with the mourners, and may express words of comfort. The focus is on providing a supportive presence rather than engaging in customary greetings or small talk.

Prayer- During shiva, mourners typically gather for daily prayer services, which are often held at the shiva house. These services provide an opportunity for communal prayer, reflection, and remembrance.

Meal Prep- It is customary and highly encouraged for friends and community members to help prepare meals for those in mourning, allowing the mourners to focus on their fried and healing. Providing food and support to the mourners is an act of chesed (kindness) and helps alleviate their burden during this difficult time.

Many of us may experience the loss of a family member and then not have other family around to help us sit shiva. My deepest condolences to you if you are finding yourself in that space right now. It is extremely challenging to sit shiva when you don't have immediate family or a close-knit community to provide support.

If you find yourself in this position, please know that you are not alone. Even if you do not have Jewish friends, you can still reach out to them and tell them how to sit shiva with you. Your friends will be able to sit shiva with you and practice remembering your loved one with you. This support, comfort, and connection may look different than the traditional practice, but it will not be any less supportive or meaningful.

Don't hesitate to reach out for virtual support as well. Just because a friend or a family member can't be with you physically, you can ask to do a phone call, zoom call, or any other digital tools out there that would help you connect virtually.

If you are finding yourself completely alone, there are online forums, discussion groups, or social media platforms that could be a good virtual space for you. It would provide you a chance of connecting with a digital support network where you can find others who have experienced similar situations and can offer you moral support.

Suggested prayer for a Reform Jew who is sitting shiva.

"G-d of compassion and mercy, we stand before You with heavy hearts, grappling with the pain of loss and grief. We turn to You seeking solace, comfort, and strength during this difficult time. In Your infinite wisdom, You created us with the capacity to love deeply and to form meaningful bonds with others. Today, we mourn the loss of [insert name], who enriched our lives and left an indelible mark upon our hearts. We remember [insert name] with gratitude for the blessings they brought into our lives. May their memory be a source of inspiration and guidance as we strive to live our lives in their honor. We affirm our belief in Your message of love, justice, and compassion. Through the teachings of our tradition, we find comfort and hope. We embrace the values of healing the world (tikkun oalm), pursuing justice (tzedek), and showing kindness (chesed) to others. Grant us the strength to navigate the days ahead, as we continue to face the waves of grief that wash over us. Help us find stillness in the embrace of family, friends, and community. May the light of cherished memories guide us through the darkness of despair, reminding us to celebrate life with gratitude and purpose. As we grieve, may You grant us the ability to find comfort in Your presence, and may Your eternal love bring healing to our wounded hearts. We pray that he soul of [insert name] finds peace in Your loving embrace. May their memory be a blessing, and may their legacy inspire us to embrace life fully, to love unconditionally, and to bring healing and compassion into the world.

-In Your holy name, we pray. Amen."

This is just a suggestion. Feel free to adapt and personalize it in a way that reflects your own beliefs and connects with the memory of your loved one.

What do I say to those who are sitting shiva?

Here are some compassionate and appropriate phrases to consider for a Jewish person sitting shiva.

"I am so sorry for your loss. May [insert name] memory be a blessing."

"My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time."

"Please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your [insert relationship]."

"May you find strength and solace in the support of your loved ones and the community."

"I am here for you if you need someone to talk to or if there's anything I can do to help."

"Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family."

"May you find comfort in the cherished memories you shared."

"Please know that you are not alone, and I am here to support you in any way I can."

"Sending you love and light as you navigate through this period of grief."

"May you find peace and healing in the embrace of your loved ones and the warm memories of [insert name]."

Empathy, compassion, and a willingness to listen are crucial elements of providing support for those sitting shiva.

What do I bring to someone who is sitting shiva?

It is customary to bring a condolence gift or offering as a gesture of support and sympathy. Traditionally, gifts are intended to provide comfort or assist in the practical needs of those sitting shiva.

1. Food. One of the most common and appreciated gifts during shiva is food. You can bring prepared meals, snacks, or even food that can be easily shared and stored. It is advised to ensure the food follows any dietary restrictions the family may have.

2. Shiva Basket. A thoughtful option is to prepare or purchase a shiva basket. These may include items like fruits, nuts, chocolates, tea, or coffee. The purpose of a shiva basket is to offer nourishment and sustenance during shiva.

3. Donation. Making a charitable donation in memory of the deceased can be a meaningful way to show support. You can choose a charity or cause that resonates with the family's values or has significance to the loved one they lost.

4. Books or Literature. Bring books that provide comfort, spiritual guidance, or inspiration.

5. Picture Frames. Providing a picture frame or a memorial item can allow the family to display a cherished memory of their loved one.

6. Offering Help or Services. Instead or alongside a physical gift, you can offer practical support or service. Things like helping with household tasks, running errands, arranging transportation, yard work, or anything else that the family or person sitting shiva may need help with. It can be as small as loading or unloading the dishwasher at the end of the night, wrapping up the food from the table, or even meal prepping for them for the next day.

7. Plant a Tree. Virtually plant a tree in the persons name or in the family name or plant a tree locally. Connecting with nature is a great way to remember the loved one and continuing their connection with us in our world.

Showing empathy and offering your presence and support is usually the most meaningful gift you can give.

As always, remember that whatever you gave the day today, it was your best, and that's enough.

-N